Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

So, it's been over three years since I've posted to this blog.  A lot has happened in three years!  I am in my second year of being the principal at my elementary school building.  I served as assistant principal for three years, but I am essentially doing the same duties I was before.  We are in the midst of building a brand new building to replace our ever-aging one, so that's exciting!

My hubby and I sold our tiny house I bought as a single woman during my first year of teaching and moved into a more spacious house in a much better neighborhood.  We've been here a little over two years and could be happier with our move!

We still have our rambunctious tabby, Herky.  He is eight years old and feisty as ever!  We hope he has many more years left in him as he is our kid.

Speaking of which, we still do not have any children.  It's a love/hate thing we're dealing with.  In July, we will be married 10 years and I will turn 35.  That age seems to be the magic number where doctors start to scare you if you become pregnant...you're suddenly an "at risk" pregnancy purely due to your age.  Here's the thing.  I still want a child.  But I'm struggling with career versus personal life. As a principal, the expectation and duty is for you to be present at all school events, day or evening.  There were a few weeks where I wasn't home before 8:00 PM every night except Friday.

Now, granted, my hubby as a PE teacher doesn't have the lengthy hours I do.  But I also don't feel it is fair for him to essentially be a single father while I do my principal obligations.  I have talked to some administrators who have had babies after taking their job and while they say it can be difficult to balance that time, you figure it out.  Priorities change some and how and when you manage things make it all work.  That does give me hope.

We are still holding off for a couple of reasons.  Last year for spring break, we went to Cancun for the week and did nothing but lay by the pool and on the beach.  It was the best week I've ever experienced.  No deadlines, no emails, no phone calls, no pressure.  We immediately decided that we would do it again this year.  With that begin said, the Zika virus still lurks out there.  We are going again this year and have had it booked for months.  I plan to go and not have a care in the world.  Mosquitoes were a non-issue there last year (the hotel zone is very much concrete and beach, not to mention there is quite the breeze that time of year).  We didn't see or feel a single bug.  I expect much of the same this year.  Nevertheless, we're still being precautionary.

Another reason and the reason I originally started this blog is my weight.  I'm utterly ashamed to admit that I weigh more now than I ever have.  A whopping 267 pounds to be exact.  Twelve years ago, I was at 260 and went through a devastating engagement breakup, depression and awakening and lost 46 pounds.  Since November of 2015, my weight has gone up and down from 214 to where I am now.  I've gotten back down as low as 225 but over the last three years, it's been a steady climb.  And I could have given two shits less.

Today, I went to get measured for a bridesmaids dress for a wedding this September.  Now, I know bridal sizes measure wonky, so I had no expectations.  I still am somehow able to wear a size 18 jeans, but would probably wear a 20 more comfortably.  Well, based on my measurements today, I had to order a size 26 dress.  Yes....2-6.

My heart dropped to my feet.  How could I left myself go this far?

I've had a FitBit since July and while I wear it daily, I only half-ass its usage with recording food.  Also, I haven't regularly exercised in years.

On January 1st, I recorded my weight as 267.2 pounds.  I set recording goals for 10 weeks from then which is March 12th, the day we leave for Mexico.  Problem is, I didn't set an actual goal.  I drew a box around the date.

Well, now it's one week in and I weigh 267 pounds as of this morning.  Loss of 0.2 in a week.  I exercised twice, once being today.  It's incredibly depressing how out of shape I am.  Tonight, I put in a 45-minute Tae Bo video that I used to do with little sweat.  Today, I made it through 30 minutes before I had to stop.  That's tough to swallow.

Now that this has turned into a novel, I will close this post.  I plan to post daily here if nothing else, for myself.  I have got to get my shit together.  For my future baby, for my students, for my husband, but most of all and something I'm trying to get through my thick skull, for ME.  I am putting myself in a plethora of health dangers going in the direction I am.  I have seen way too many people lose their life too early.  I need to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen to me.

The journey begins....again.

Novem-what???

How is it November?  What happened to August, September, and October?

I could make this last a long time, but here's the short of it.

I'm six weeks into my "old" bootcamp, Max10.  I love it.  I missed it.  I love the soreness (I've had A LOT!).  It's a much better workout for me than Title Boxing was.  Problem is that I'm only making it 3-4 times per week.

But I'm seeing progress.  My pants feel better.  And after six weeks, I could very well FINALLY be back in the 240s.  I've been over 250 since April.  That's seven months.  I'm ready to get back out of the 250s.  I think my metabolism is finally kicking back into gear.

I haven't changed my eating much.  My first focus is activity.  I feel better.  I sleep better.  I can tell I have some endurance back.  There's something about kickboxing and weightlifting that is empowering.

So, there you have it.  I'm alive.  I'm kicking (pun intended).  I'm seeing some results.

Frustrated

This is going to be a bitching post, so if you're not interested, feel free to pass me up today.

I'm tired of not feeling well.

I'm not sleeping full nights as mother nature has felt the need for it to storm every evening for like the past week between 2 and 4 AM and it pretty much always wakes me up.  Once I'm awake, it's hard to get back to sleep.  Eventually, I do, but it's not a restful sleep.  So, I'm tired.

Headaches.  I'm so over them.  I want to blame my birth control for them, but I don't know if that's what it is or not.  Last Sunday, I had a headache that I couldn't get rid of with Advil and it just sucked.  Now, every day this week, I get one in the afternoon that's a dull ache, but it's annoying.

Stomach.  I've cut down what I'm eating, eating better than what I was and now working out but my stomach has this fullness feeling to it.  It's basically bloated all the time.  It's not that time of the month, so it shouldn't be caused by that, but I don't know.  I'm going to the bathroom regularly, so it's not really that.

Heartburn.  I know I'm fat.  But ever since I've been working out, I get heartburn in the afternoon and eating.  I've tried eating other things (non-acidic) to try and counteract that but it hasn't really worked.  I didn't have heartburn before I started working out, so I'm not sure why it's doing this now.

No scale movement.  At all.  I know, I've only been at this three weeks, but I would think I would notice SOMETHING.  But no.  Not for me.

I'm not giving up.  I'm just frustrated and tired of not feeling well.  I could visit my doctor, but I don't have much confidence that she'd tell me anything or give me additional options.  I do want off my birth control pill I'm currently on.  Levora does not agree with me.  It's a single dose hormone.  While I was on Yasmin, I loved it, but I decided to change because of all of the additional heart side affects it has.  Well, I don't like this one.  Bad part is that I get three months at a time from  my pharmacy and I'm on month two, so I've got another month before I can get something different or my insurance won't pay for it.  Bah.

Okay, bitching done.

Title Boxing

About a week ago, there was a Town Wild deal advertised on Facebook that gave you four weeks of unlimited Title Boxing Club classes, gloves and wraps for $40.  Ten dollars a week?  I can manage that.

So, last Wednesday, I took my coupon and headed over to the Cedar Rapids Title Boxing Club for a 4:00 PM class.  I got the preclass tour and then watched the people come in to work out.  Four o'clock rolls around and our instructor says to lightly jog around the room for three minutes.  Three minutes?  No problem.  I took the advice of the gal who said if I'm not a regular jogger to run around the inside of the bags or people have trouble passing.  Well, coming from the fat girl who hasn't worked out consistently in 18+ months, the inside it is!  First lap, good...no problem...I got this.  Keep jogging...or maybe it was more of a shuffle.  Heart rate's coming up, sweat's starting...it's all good...I'm doing this.  Instructor yells out that we have two minutes left.  What?  It's only been a minute?  I keep going around the bags like a mouse in a ball....sweat's a dripping, heart's a racing, my legs hurt, my lungs hurt, and all the while, I see these fitter people not breaking a sweat, swiftly running around the outside.  Instructor yells out there's one minute left.  One minute?  I want to die.  Seriously.  Kill me now.  My feet hurt, I'm more speed walking than jogging.  That was the longest minute of my life.  We then go on to do some stretches.  Feels good.

Then....jumping jacks.  Now, let me tell you something.  If you weigh 150 pounds and have a small chest, jumping jacks are nothing.  But when you're 255 pounds with a stomach and enlarged chest (I think my weight went there this time, too...), it's not pretty.  There are things flapping that shouldn't be.  But I did it.  The rest of the first 15 minutes are random exercises and stretches to get our heart rates up. Then it starts.

The next 30 minutes are eight three-minute rounds of boxing/kickboxing.  Jabs.  Crosses.  Hooks.  Uppercuts.  Back fists.  Round house kicks.  Front kicks.  Knee kicks.  Ouch.  After three minutes, you get one minute of active rest.  That's an oxymoron.  Mountain climbers, burpies, push ups, jumping jacks, high knees.  Active rest, my ass.

After dying for 30 minutes and just when you think you're done, it's 15 minutes of abs.  And there is no mercy here.  I have zero ab strength, so I try to modify if possible.

I've completed four workouts.  I'm tired.  I'm sore.  I'm exhausted.  But I'm moving.  I guess that's what I get from going to nothing to hardcore.  I need to quit weighing myself because I have this mentality that now that I'm working out, the weight will just magically fall off.  I haven't really modified my eating yet.  I'm focused on moving.

So, that's where I'm at.  This will bring us up to our vacation....Vegas, baby!  We're going because it's cheap and we need a break from life.  Hoping my weight is back in the 240s by Vegas.  That's five pounds in four weeks.  Sure should be able to do that!

Rock Bottom

I'm almost there.

In the months that have past since I've last posted, my life has become a flash.  A flash of day, night, and everything in between.  Let me explain.

My job:
I am an elementary assistant principal this year.  Essentially, I am the building principal.  The "principal" is housed in another building and doesn't really run my smaller building.  Things are going great.  I knew it would be busy and stressful, but I also knew it would be rewarding.  I love seeing the kids walk down the hall and wave or give me a hug.  I love how they're excited to share happy things with me, and I embrace the times we have bad things to talk about.  I've had furious parents and thankful parents.  One thing I knew about but didn't know just how much was how busy my schedule is.  I'm out the door a little after 7:00 AM and there are multiple nights I'm not home until 8:00 or 9:00 PM.  I basically sleep at our house and that's it.  But I knew that when I signed the dotted line.  It just comes with the job.

My health:
This is suffering.  My weight is out of control.  I am 7-8 pounds from my highest weight.  I don't exercise.  I don't eat right.  Many nights, I grab drive-thru on the way home because it's already 7:30 and it would take too long to prepare something.  That's an excuse, I know.  Frankly, most of the time, I'm so tired, I just don't care.  It's starting to show.  My pants that were once loose are closing in on being tight.  My arms are so big and flabby.  My stomach is rounded out.  My legs have the chubby look that's cute on babies and just sad on adults.  My double chin is back with a vengeance.  I haven't exercised regularly in well over a year.  I get on a kick every once in a while for a few days and then my schedule throws it off and a month or two goes by. I am unhappy with myself and I feel like I'm stuck in a trap.

My husband:
My husband has been an elementary PE teacher in a rural district for the last two years.  The state of Iowa has a two year probation license for brand new teachers.  In those two years, those teachers must prove they meet all eight Iowa teaching standards and then their principal signs off for them to get a standard license that is good for five years.  If a teacher does not meet some of the standards, they can be given a one-year extension to try and prove themselves.  To make a long story short, my husband's principal felt he didn't met the classroom management standard, citing two isolated incidents that occurred.  Problem is, my husband was not approached by the principal about these incidents to know they were an issue, let alone a reason not to get his standard license.  My husband went to the education association (union except they cannot strike) and basically came to the conclusion that it was the best interest of my husband for him to resign if the superintendent would sign off for him to get his license.  What it all comes down to is that this is this district's shitty way of getting rid of teachers without having to pink slip them.  My husband has gone through a range of emotions from sadness to anger over this.  Because now, he has no job next year.  A benefit is that there is always substitute teaching, but it's not always consistent and you get paid on each individual district's pay schedule.  This doesn't always align with our bills.  Which leads to the next section...

Money:
With the questionable stability of a paycheck from my husband next year, we're in panic mode with finances.  I don't get the salary an assistant principal should get.  I get paid $42,500...about $30,000 less than the other two assistants in the district.  I knew this when I signed my contract, but I don't know what the possibility of getting that large of an increase in the next year will be.  We pay $800 a month in student loans (which is more than our current mortgage payment).  We don't have credit card debt, so that helps and our cars are both paid off.  But....we still live paycheck to paycheck right now.  Unless a consistent job opens, my husband interviews and is hired in the next four months, I don't know where we'll be financially.  Which leads to...

Exercise:
I struggle being self motivated here.  I perform much better being in an exercise class where someone is instructing and I can use the other participants to be motivated.  The problem with this is that gyms/boot camps aren't cheap and with the financial questionability for next year, it's hard for me to fight an argument that I need to join a gym when paying our regular bills may be more difficult starting in September.

So, this is where I'm at.  I'm not at rock bottom, but I'm almost to the last edge.  It hurts.  It hurts badly.  I don't know where to go from here.

For those or the one person or anyone still reading, how do you come up from this?

Welcome Back

Well, here I am again.

A lot has happened since I last posted...here's a quick recap:
-My father-in-law passed away in late May from his lung cancer.  Probably the saddest time I've ever been through.  My husband has been extraordinarily strong dealing with his grief as well as some bad habits his mom has now begun as a part of her grieving process.  Even through this loss, I think it brought my husband and me even closer together.
-I was hired as an assistant elementary principal this summer after a marathon hiring process.  It literally took me almost two months to get hired from when I applied.  While it was sad leaving the teaching profession, I can now impact many more lives on a daily basis and while it is very challenging, I enjoy what I'm doing.
-My weight has slowly crept up.  I now weigh 248.

Tonight, I worked out for the first time in probably 2-3 months.  I did the 30 Day Shred, a 30-minute video that literally almost killed me.  I'm serious.  I don't remember working out hurting so badly.  My knees hurt.  My back hurts.  I'm out of breath.  My arms hurt.

This makes me sad.  I've taken 100 steps backwards.  It's my own fault, no one else's.

I can whine and moan and complain that I don't have any time and it's just easier to pick up take-out food than cook.  But I'm not going to.

I'm very sad that this is where I've let myself go.  I'm uncomfortable in my clothes...in my skin.  My energy sucks.

So, now I'm working to change it.  Slowly.  I tend to want to do drastic, fast changes.  That never works.  So, first up is reintroducing myself to exercise.  I've told myself if I can do the 30 Day Shred for 30 days in a row, I can look at joining a new Title Boxing Club here in town (cost pending).

I burned 340 calories in 30 minutes.  While that's fabulous, that shows how out of shape I am in.

Time to get to work.

Weekend Recap

How is it Monday night already?

Saturday, I went out to an elementary school a few blocks away and did 5 laps (equals 2 miles).  I actually jogged 1.5 laps which is great since I haven't really run in a couple of years.  Eating was good.

Sunday, I had big plans to do laundry, workout and enjoy the day...that is until the washer started making a very loud noise (it had been making random noises but did the job so I let it be).  I went down, opened the lid and smoke came out.  So, needless to say, we have a new washer coming....$400 I didn't want to spend right now.  I spent the afternoon doing laundry at my sister's house as our new washer isn't coming until Saturday.  My hubby and I did get a short evening walk in.

Tonight, my hubby and I went out for an hour long walk which burned 461 calories.  An interesting observation I made when looking at my Polar F6 HRM watch was that by keeping my heart rate in the 130s-150s, I burn a higher percentage of fat than if my heart right is much higher like the 170s-180s.  Yes, calories are calories, but I'd love to look more into this fat percentage deal...

Hope your Monday treated you well!