This is my life.

A few bloggers I follow are having similar battles with life and health that I am. Some of them are basically having confession on their blog. And I think it's time for me to do the same.

Here's what I'm struggling with:
Money. They said money can't buy happiness but neither can debt. My husband and I have accrued tens of thousands of dollars in debt in student loans in order for him to complete his Bachelor's Degree and for me to complete my Master's Degree. In fact, we probably will owe more in student loans than we do on our mortgage. In November, we will begin paying on my husband's loans, both government and private. We will probably be paying close to $600 a month just in his loans. He has a part-time elementary PE position but takes home $700 a month. Ick. Thankfully, I have a full-time teaching job in my eighth year and through my master's classes, I have moved up and over on the pay scale. We have enough to get by, but that's it. Paycheck to paycheck. At least until hubby can get a full-time job, but in the world of education, it's hard to tell how soon or easy that will be.

Also with money, or lack of, and living paycheck to paycheck means no chance of a baby any time soon. Now, I'm going to admit. Right now, I'm not ready. I'm so busy with grad school finishing up and life in general that I'm not ready to take that step. In all reality, my husband would rather not have kids. We've compromised on one, but he's not thrilled about it. He's kind of arrogant in that he likes to do his things first and then worry about others. I've accepted that, but it disheartens me that he doesn't share the same desire to have children. It's not a make or break situation for me. But it does still bother me. We've had conversations and arguments about the future of having kids and each time, there's no clear answer. Financially, right now, the answer is no.

I do have the thrill of being an aunt and spending time mostly with my two nephews, one almost two and his little brother who's almost two weeks. I love them to pieces and hubby and I both love spending time with them. My hubby will be a great dad when the child is about 1 1/2 and older. He's not a big fan of the newborns and the crying, although, he did enjoy holding our newest nephew while he was sleeping.

All of this cycles around my weight. This morning, I weighed 239.0. Not my highest (over 260). Not my lowest (214). Right about in the middle. I do not want to get pregnant at this weight. Being that the average woman puts on 20-30 pounds during a pregnancy would put me around my highest weight. That's not safe or healthy for me or for the baby. Ideally, I'd like to be around 170-180 when I get pregnant. Anywho, I think the prospect of us not being able to afford a baby is compromising my motivation to get healthy. I've caught myself thinking that since we won't have a baby anytime soon, why worry about what I'm eating or working out? I hate that I think that.

I hate that my husband is so motivated that he runs three miles every day and lifts weights. I hate that my two teammates at work can eat the same amount as me and probably weigh 60-90 pounds less than I do and both have had kids. I hate that some people my age have kids and I don't. I hate that we can't afford to get a bigger house in a better neighborhood. I hate that I constantly have food (what to eat or not eat) on my mind. I hate that I don't love to work out. I hate that my mom wasn't a better role model for health and fitness for me while growing up. I hate that if I do lose weight, I'll have saggy skin on my arms, back, stomach, and legs. I hate that my husband has to look at my overweight body.

I'm full of hate, but yet if you were to pass me in the street, you would think I'm a happy, go lucky person.

I don't know what I'm looking for from this post. You can advise me to talk to my hubby but we talk about these things ALL the time. I feel like we're beating a dead horse because there's never a consensus. I don't know what direction to go. I don't know what my goals are. There's two. Eat healthy and be active. But right now, I don't know how I want to do that. I like schedules and consistency, but right now, my schedule and life isn't consistent.

Maybe I could be a walk-on to the Biggest Loser.