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Monday, June 21, 2010

Mixed Feelings

Okay...this isn't totally health related. Rather a vent that I can't do on FB or really anywhere else, so here it goes.

My husband got a call from his brother tonight saying that we're going to be aunt and uncle in January. They've been married five years and have been trying to get pregnant ever since. My sister-in-law is the same age as me. They have financial, slight trust, and other issues I won't get into. They both make good money, but don't know how to save. I could go on and on.

Now, this will be the third time I'll be an aunt as my sister and brother both had babies last year. That didn't bother me. For some reason, this does. This will be the first grand baby on my husband's side.

So, what does this all have to do with me? Well, here it goes. One, I'm too overweight to get pregnant. I weigh almost 240 and I refuse to let myself get pregnant at this weight. I want to at least be under 200, as does my husband. Working on it....slowly.

Two, I have a year and a half of grad school left, and I don't want to have a baby until I'm finished.

Three, my husband has a year left of school and then will be left to look for a K-8 PE teaching job in this crappy economy and low budgets in schools time.

Four, I'm pursuing my degree in Principalship. If I choose to become a principal, will I even be able to have a baby? I mean, I will, but being a principal requires a lot of time. I don't know that I ultimately want to pursue it, but to be honest, the further into my program I get, the more interested I get.

Five, I'm scared even trying to get pregnant. I've had woman issues since I was 16 and I don't even know the possibilities of getting pregnant. There's a chance I may have PCOS, but we won't know until we actually try. Of course, losing weight would help.

I guess I just don't know where I stand with the whole baby thing. Part of me is jealous of my sister-in-law and wants it to be me. Part of me thinks I'll never have a baby. Part of me wonders if I really do want a baby.

I'm just in a weird mood. Doesn't help that my monthly visitor will be coming in a few days. I guess right now, I just have the feeling I'll never be a mother. And I don't really like it.

I'm starting to wonder if that's why I haven't worked harder to lose weight....

Okay, rant done. Thanks for listening.


  1. :( Hang in there, girl. It will all fall into place.

  2. Things will happen when you're ready.